Jess18's Blog

woo.... double post mates... LOL... cause i feel Extraordinarily generous.... hahaha, i prolly spelt that wrong...  :S  ok here ya go.... faggots... LOL... joking  :|

this is chapter 4 right? shit... LOL... anyways enjoy... and tegs... you've read MORE then anyone... why you want whats already been read? ya wanker. hahaha. ok guys.... fall in love.... with this....  ???  don't ask... tired... had coffee... just kicking in....  XD

Better not keep them waiting, they might think I bailed. He just sighed quietly and walked off back towards the table that was seated in the sunlight, making him pull his sunnies down over his eyes, it made him feel cool, I must say I feel pretty fuckin trendy… check it out. Gerard just laughed out loud as he sat back down, forgetting about all his worries.

“and what may you be laughing at Mr. Gerard way?” gee just smiled at lyn-z, not game enough to tell her.

“nothing… just myself,” they all just smiled and looked around for a little before the waiter came over with their orders.

“thanks,” gee just smiled at the waiter as he gave lyn-z and jimmy their orders.

“so how are you and kat goin?” Gerard looked up from his coffee and smoke to jimmy, who had half a mouth of quiche in the process of being swallowed.

“uhh… nah good, yea everything is fine,” gee lied threw his teeth, but it seemed as if though they both bought it.

“oh that’s great gee, that’s really good… it makes me happy to know you two are going good,” lyn-z’s smile made Gerard feel guilty.

“yea, well… we got our problems, but doesn’t anyone?” he laughed a small, uneasy laugh… trying to make a joke out of a serious situation.

“that is true… everyone does, but if anything gets too hectic for ya, you know me and jimmy are here for ya,” gee just smiled and nodded as jimmy kissed her cheek.

“well, I better get back guys… I’m sorry, but kat is probably wondering where I am,” they both just nodded before leaving the bill on the table and walking back to the car.

At least the car drive back wasn’t as bad as it was going there, gee thought as he walked into the apartment. Kat was up, the dishes were done and the washing folded on the couch.

“kat?” gee called out, waiting for an answer.

“in here babe,” a voice called from the bathroom.

“kat… we need to talk,” gee stood in the hallway looking into the bathroom where kat was cleaning the tiles.

“sure… do you wanna talk in here or the lounge?”

“in the lounge, please?” gerard’s heart started to beat faster and harder in his chest as she nodded and followed him out to the lounge.

Gee sat across from kat on the lounge chair. He just looked at her, wondering how he was going to say what he needed to say. The more he thought, the more he got shit scared.

“so what’s up gee? Is it serious or?” kat waited, waiting for a reply.

“it’s… it’s serious, and I’m trying to find a way to say it… with out it sounding bad,” he could tell kat was getting a little nervous.

“oh, ok… what is it babe?” he closed his eyes as she spoke, this is going to kill her, but I have to. He took in a breath and spoke slowly, so she could understand exactly what he was saying.

“ok, well… kat, the thing is… I just think that we shouldn’t… fuck, we shouldn’t… ok, fuck… I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore… please don’t be angry or cry… it’s me ok, I’m going threw some shit and I need to figure it out,” he looked at her, twiddling his thumbs waiting for an explosion.

“ok… so, so let me get this right… you’re saying… that you don’t wanna be with me?” her face was blank but he could see her eyes glazing with tears, which just about broke him.

“yes, I mean… being with you has been amazing… but I don’t love you kat, and I know you love me… and I don’t wanna stay with you cause I feel like I am deceiving you,” as he said those 3 words he could pin point the exact time her heart broke.

“oh… umm, shit,” her voice was shaky, her hands covered her face which was his cue to jump next to her and comfort her.

“don’t cry kat… it’s not worth it, I’ve tried kat, I really have but nothing is working,” he could hear her sobbing as he continued to speak. “I love you as a friend… and I’ve realised that’s all it is, and fuck… I hope we can stay friends, I don’t want it to be awkward, I’m sorry kat… I am,” he hugged her, letting her know that he actually was sorry.

“why? Please… just tell… tell me why?” she looked up, her mascara smudged on her cheek bones and hands.

“I can’t… I can’t, even though I want to so bad, I just can’t,” his heart was now in his stomach, and his stomach in his throat.

“jesus christ gerard… you are breaking up with me and you can’t even tell my WHY!” he knew she would eventually burst, but he was hoping it was sooner then later.

“kat, don’t please, do you know how hard this is for me?” he looked at her, tears falling onto his cheek.

“don’t gee, don’t give me… that fucking guilt shit… you’ve known this… you’ve known for ages and you’ve let it go?! WHY!” she stood and walked near the wall, folding her arms letting the tears fall onto her chin.

“kat… listen, I can’t… it’s too hard… please don’t do this,”

“don’t do WHAT gee? I LOVE you, I do… I fuckin do… and now, NOW you go and rip that away from me? I have been there for you soo many times, does that mean ANYTHING?” his face fell into his hands.

This was a mistake, I should’ve just left… disappeared from her life instead of trying to explain.

“it means so much… but that is why I only love you as a friend… it just doesn’t feel right, not for me,” by now kat had gotten over the grieving, and was now fuming.

“FUCK OFF GERARD! Just fuck… I don’t want to NOR need to hear this fucking shit… I’m going… don’t try to call or anything… I don’t wanna fucking see nor hear from you… EVER! You’re a fucking asshole… you USED me… and I fucking despise you for it… you fucking cunt,” the door slammed shut, closing off any other foul words she was throwing at him.

yea another post... enjoy... i had fun writing this bit... LOL

Gerard moved forward, making kat step back and lean into the cold tiles on the wall. Her tongue pushed forward slowly into his mouth, moving around against his before letting his tongue go inside her mouth. He bit her lip as he pulled away, looking at her.

“you’re so beautiful,” don’t lie to her.

“thankyou baby,” the look in kat’s eyes almost killed Gerard there and then.

He stopped for a minute and thought. Should I do this? I can’t put her threw this… but I do still like her and all, don’t I? His thoughts were stopped as she came forward and pressed her naked wet body against his. Any thoughts of a natural man would be scattered if a woman did this… but his were completely stopped and taken over by another thought. Her body disappeared and lyn-z’s appeared. No, no, no, no! but nothing he thought or said under his breath would get rid of the mirage in front of him.

Fuck it. And at that last thought he pushed her up against the tiles again, this time roughly. Kissing her quickly and firmly on the lips before biting and nipping his way down to her collarbone. Moans and groans lifted in the shower as he kissed and licked down her stomach before stopping right before her hot spot. He looked up at her and saw lyn-z staring back. He smirked, his eyes half dazed by the thought of this actually being lyn-z.

The taste of her was unbearable. He couldn’t stop himself even though her moans told him to stop and just get it over and done with. Finally after spending what seemed like endless pleasurous hours down on his knees, Gerard stood and faced the sweaty and puffed mirage of lyn-z.

“just do it… please,” he nodded, his mouth open in a half arsed smile.

Gerard’s hand helped guide himself into the body in front of him. The instant hotness and tightness almost made his legs buckle. He thrusted forward and felt himself get lost. It was like a drug… a drug that he wanted to take over and over again. The feeling of himself thrusting in and out, moving forward and backward out of her made him groan loudly.

The continuos thrusts from his pelvis and hers almost made him get lost in the pleasure-taking place. Gee’s hand slid on the tile as he tried to stay upright.

The running water splashed up from the moulding bodies and fell to the floor. Even the drops of innocent water could feel the tension and friction coming from the mass on the wall. There was no doubt, that Gerard truly could see lyn-z instead of kat… but there was also no doubt that kat could only see Gerard. In being this… it was like the water drops were gerard’s tears, crying for her, telling her he is sorry… but no one was there to see that… or even imagine it being that.

“gee-fucking-rard,” the drowned out voices of frank above Gerard made him stir.

“fuck… off,” a flip of the pillow and a turn of the body posture was all that was needed to put gee back to sleep.

“oi shit head, wake up… we’ve got practise, so wake the fuck up,” Gerard felt the sudden breeze as the duvet cover was thrown onto the floor.

“fuck you man aye, get me coffee,” frank just laughed before walking out into the lounge where kat was.

“what’s the fuckin time?” gerard’s words came out groggy and mumbled as he rolled onto his side before sitting up and stretching his arms out in front of him.

He looked around for a clock or some kind of time telling device. None, nothing in the room. This is shit… we don’t have a clock… nothing. He shook his head as he stood, almost falling back down again.

The sun was bright as he walked into the lounge, his eyes squinted and his face screwed up, trying to block all beams of sun.

“you look like shit gee,” he opened one eye to frank before replying with a flip of the middle finger. “fuck you too buddy,” frank said laughing.

“what is the god damn time?” his eyes were still half closed as he wandered into the kitchen.

“it’s almost 9, oh and the coffee pot is on,” frank smiled as gee looked at him, no expression, nothing… just a look.

“it’s too damn early… it’s our time off and I’m getting up at 9 in the morning… bullllsshhhiiittt,” even Gerard chuckled as his voice deepened at the word bullshit. “oh, thanks for putting the coffee on too dude,”

“no worries, now hurry and get dressed… we practise at 9.30,” Gerard spun around to face frank who was standing next to kat.

“9.30? fuck me, I can’t get ready before then,” a slight yawn escaped as he spoke.

“well ya gotta dude… sorry, we all let you sleep in as much as possible,” frank just let the corner of his mouth lift and shrugged his shoulders.

“righto… can you make this while I get changed, I’ll take it with me,” gee just looked at kat, waiting for her response.

“oh… you were asking me, yea ok,” as soon as she replied gee was off back to the bedroom.

“so, have you thought of any chords or… anything?” gee turned to frank who seemed to be following him.

“umm, no… I haven’t, I’ll do that today or something,” his voice gave away that he didn’t want to, but he had to.

“ok, that’s sweet,” gee just nodded and smiled, pulling on a pair of jeans and a band shirt.

“I need to speak to you too… later on that is,” Gerard turned to frank as he spoke to him.

“ok, what about?” frank played with his belt as he replied.

“just… some shit, but I do need to talk to you about it,” frank just nodded and walked off, leaving Gerard to get ready on his own.

It didn’t take Gerard long to get ready, seeing as he was being rushed. Frank held out the cup of coffee, ready to go.

“ok come on, we gotta get goin… the guys are probably there already,” frank just gave a big cheesy smile, the ones he always does when he is bored.

“yea ok… I’ll see you this afternoon kat,” he leant in for a kiss that landed on her cheek. She just nodded and watched them walk out, closing the door behind them.

“so… I’ve noticed something,” gee looked at frank as they got into the elevator.

“and what’s that?” his finger pushed the button that took them down to the car park.

“you and kat, there is distance… are you guys ok?” gee looked up at frank, thinking about what to say.

“uhhh, that’s what I needed to speak to you about,” Gerard could feel his stomach tie knots in itself.

“oh shit, true… what’s happening?” the elevator doors opened and they started for frank’s car.

“I don’t know aye, I mean… it’s not just me, she is acting weird… but there is more to it, on my side anyways,” Gerard didn’t look up once, not until they reached the car.

“oh, well did ya wanna talk about it now?” they both got into the car, closing their doors at the same time.

“I don’t know… it’s… it’s really fuckin hard to say,” gee actually looked up at frank this time, who was staring straight at him.

“well, when ever you’re ready dude, I’m here…” frank smiled and started the car.

“I know… but the thing is… you don’t understand, it’s really… really fuckin hard just to say it,” gee was starting to get nervous… he could tell he was gonna let more slip out then he wanted… more being lyn-z.

“well… just say it, open ya mouth… which you’re good at… and just… speak,” frank pulled into the street as he spoke to gee.

“ok… uhhhh, ahmm, well, me and kat are having troubles… she’s becoming really… touchy, and… fuck, i… I don’t think I want to be with her anymore… I love someone else,” Gerard just stopped and stared straight ahead as he spoke… almost literally shitting himself.

“oh, shit… well… wow,” frank was lost for words as he pulled up to a red set of lights.

“I told you… it’s fuckin hard to say,” frank just nodded smiling a little.

“yea… umm, i… fuck, who is this person… you love?” frank looked over at Gerard, who was still staring straight ahead, his eyes fixed on the cars in front.

“I can’t say,” his reply was soft… and full of worry.

“dude… you know you can tell me anything… who is it?” frank pushed, waiting to hear the answer.

“no, I can’t… I shouldn’t even have told you this shit… just forget about it man,”

“I can’t just forget about it, you’re my best mate… and kat is a nice girl… someone is gonna get hurt and I don’t wanna just sit back and watch it happen… ya’know?” frank took off again as the light clicked to green.

“no I know… it’s just, you know the girl… and, I don’t know… it’s just really fuckin hard,” gee was now fiddling with his jeans, where a rip had formed on the knee.

“ok, I aint gonna force it outta ya… but when ya ready to talk, I’m here… a phone call away,” gee looked over at frank who looked at him and gave a quick smile.

“thanks dude… thanks, means a lot,” frank just smiled back as Gerard continued to fiddle.

The rest of the drive to the practise room didn’t take long, another 5-10 minutes and they were walking threw the door. Everyone was already there, playing their drums or guitars… fuckin around while brian sat and read some papers.

“Gerard,” gee looked up as brian said his name.

“’sup dude?” he walked over and sat next to him, making the couch sink in a little more.

“I need to know… for the record, when you want the next album to be released?” gee thought as brian played with his lip ring.

“well, we’re almost done… aren’t we? So… soon-ish?” brian just looked at him, as if to say ‘tell me a date’.

“and…”

“well… I was thinking around September this year… or something?” brian just nodded, taking his cell out.

“oh… and your hair… looks woah, I haven’t really seen it up this fuckin close man… it’s white,” gee just smiled and ran his hand over his hair, which was dyed ‘blonde’… but came out more white.

“thanks man… I wanted a change,” brian just smiled and spoke into his phone.

“oi Gerard… come on, we gotta check these chords for the… song that’s isn’t… named?” ray spoke, trying to figure out what exactly to say.

“yea… the un-named track,” gee just laughed and walked up to the mic.

“ok guys… go slow if ya want… but we gotta get this song down pat,” the guys all nodded their heads before a guitar started.

Gee waited, listening to it, making sure he took in all the chords and notes that were being used. As he sang… he thought of kat. Of how he was treating her, by staying with her when he didn’t even really love her. About how he wouldn’t mind being alone… it wouldn’t bother him, as long as he wasn’t hurting anyone. Thoughts raced threw his mind… finally settling upon a decision.

The song ended and the guys all looked around, waiting for a response about the new music they had just laid out for it.

“that was good guys… it needs something though,” brian spoke up from the couch.

“yea… it does doesn’t it,” gee agreed with brian, shaking his decision from his mind for the time being.

“well… what the fuck does it need?” bob spoke from the back, playing with his cymbal.

“I don’t know… I thought it sounded pretty fucking good,” mikey said, looking around at the guys.

“yea… the music is fine… I think it’s the lyrics…” the guys all looked at gee like he was a mad man.

“we’ve fucked around with the lyrics for ages gee, we can’t change them again,” he just looked at ray.

“not change them… just, justify and maybe add to them?” he raised an eyebrow to show he was asking them what they thought.

“well… yea I guess, no harm in trying hey?” frank walked up and slapped Gerard on the back before placing his guitar down in it’s holder.

“yea… that’s true, but right now I need a coffee,” mikey almost started drooling as he spoke.

“yes mikey… settle down… I think we all do,” ray just laughed as he watched mikey.

“well, you guys go get some… and bring me one back… I’ll try and work on some shit I need to do,” the guys just nodded and left without hesitation.

As soon as they were gone gee grabbed pen and paper and started writing. The words just literally spilled from the pen onto the once bare paper. As he wrote he thought of kat and lyn-z again, this time instead of getting worked up about it… words that described how he felt fell onto the fast filling paper.

Minutes and minutes passed as gee just sat there on the ground writing. Brian watched him write, amazed at how much he was writing. Finally after about 20 minutes the guys walked back in with coffee, which snapped gee’s stare from the paper.

“ohh yes, thankyou,” gee took his cup from bob before taking a small sip, careful not to burn his lip.

“the fuckin line up in starbucks man, not good,” frank just laughed as mikey complained.

“so what did ya do anyways Gerard?” gee looked up at bob and passed them the now complete paper.

All the guys gathered around and read over bob’s shoulder, their eyes turning wide and their lips picking up on either end creating a huge smile.

“oh my fuck gee… this is wow,” ray looked down at gee who was still on the floor drinking his coffee slowly and carefully.

“thanks… it just came,” he shrugged his shoulders as mikey and bob looked at him.

“dude… this… wow,” everyone laughed as frank tried to find words but couldn’t.

“yea… well, I think that’s what it needed,” gee just smiled as they guys all started nodding their heads in excitement.

“well let’s fuckin play this shit,” frank said eagerly, picking up his guitar.

Gee walked to the mic, grabbing it around it’s stand and started singing into it as soon as the guitars started. The guys looked at him, watching how the new and improved lyrics made such a difference.

The song ended and the room literally jumped into an echo of screams and shouts.

“holy fuck man, just fuck me dead… fuck, that was… fuck, just FUCK!” Gerard laughed loudly as frank’s eyes were wide and his mouth opened and closed, looking for other words then just ‘fuck’.

“yea bro… that was mad… wow, you did gee, fuck me,” he hugged his brother as he spoke.

“thanks man… it wasn’t that hard, it kinda just fell onto the page…” gee just shrugged his shoulders as the guys all laughed and shook their heads in disbelief.

The practise went on for another 4 hours. Songs and chords were altered to their liking, fingers and hands practically broke from the amount of energy the guys gave when they practised. By the end of it, gerard’s voice was barely hear-able.

Thank fuck that’s over, that’s all I needed, was to think of lyn-z every time we played that song. Just what I needed, urgh. his thoughts were non stop as he walked into the apartment where kat was sleeping on the lounge. She looked so peaceful he didn’t want to wake her. Gerard jumped and almost wet his pants as the phone went off with a loud ring… here he was trying to be all quiet then all of a sudden this fucking horrid noise… no one can’t blame him for letting out a little squeal.

“hello?” he said into the phone, still trying to calm down.

“Gerard? It’s lyn-z,” gee’s heart stopped and sunk.

“oh… hey, uhh, kat’s asleep,” his words flew out of his mouth, he could barely understand what he had said it was that quick.

“… oh, no I wanted to speak to…you, umm, I’m at home and bored shitless… and I can’t reach any of the guys so I was wondering if you’d like to go for lunch?” once again, his heart fell a few more inches towards the pit of his stomach.

“umm… nyea… no, yea… ok… no, fuck,” gerard pulled the phone away as he couldn’t talk nor make a decision.

“gee? I don’t understand what your answer is,” she laughed as she spoke, making him feel like a complete idiot.

“yea… ok,” he stopped, turned around into the kitchen and hit himself… hard… on the head. You fucking dick head, you can’t… kat is asleep, and lyn-z wants you to go to lunch… the girl you can’t stop thinking about… and you say YES!!??

“ok great, I’ll be there in 10, bye,” the dial tone picked up and filled his ear.

Oh fuck… oh fuck, oh fuck… oh fuck. he couldn’t stop saying oh fuck in his head. It was just… his response to what he had just agreed to do.

“I can’t fucking go… don’t be an idiot… of course I can’t go, ring up and say no…” he spoke to himself as he walked into the bathroom, changing his shirt into a plain black button up.

Stop gussying up… and get down to the lobby and fucking wait for her. he looked at the time and almost shit himself… it had been almost 10 minutes. He was too busy changing his clothes and trying to build his confidence in the bathroom…  idiot.

Finally, he made it out to the lobby and stood there for a minute… or 5 before walking outside and seeing lyn-z’s car. She waved to him from the front seat, which he replied the same.

As he walked around the side he noticed jimmy inside. Of course she wouldn’t just invite me, he is her partner… god I am such an asshole for thinking it would be just me and her, how could I even think that! He got in the back seat reluctantly but wore a smile the whole way.

“sooo, how was practise?” lyn-z looked in the rear-view mirror.

“huh? Oh… practise, umm, yea… no, good… yea it was good,” start talking straight, she’s gonna realise you are not comfortable. He smiled at her as she looked at him with a faint smile.

“oh… ok, well that’s good, nothing special about it then?” jimmy turned around and also waited for his reply.

“we just fixed some songs and yea… normal practise…” a small fake laugh squeezed it’s way out of his mouth.

“so, Gerard… what ya up to today?” gee just looked at jimmy.

What does she see in him? He’s not even funny for fuck sake… well not to me,  mean… I could be… no I am way funnier, all the guys have sa-

“hello… Gerard? Did you hear me?” gee looked up and smiled.

“sorry man… just a little tired, that’s all and I aint doing jack all today, just a laze around really,” jimmy just squeezed his lips together, making a weird noise with his tongue, nodded and turned around. So much for that conversation.

The rest of the drive was quiet, not that it bothered gee. He quite enjoyed looking out the window, keeping his mind off things. Everyone was walking the streets, most of them either had bags of shopping from Mary Kay or had signs that said ‘will work for $5’. That saddened Gerard… a lot, to see homeless people, when he was better off.

But as he thought about it, yes he was wealthier… but did that make him better off? No, not really. He had all these problems and stress, where as a homeless has a lot of stress free times… he actually grew jealous of them after awhile.

After finding a table and sitting down at a nice looking café, things were more awkward and silent then before. Everyone just looked around, except gee. He couldn’t stop looking at lyn-z and jimmy’s hands entwined on the table. If only that was my hand… it would feel much more right then his there, it would feel so much better… so much better.

“gee, you’re staring again,” lyn-z laughed and looked at Gerard, smiling.

“oh fuck, sorry guys… I’m just tired,” gee actually was tired, but his stares weren’t caused from that… obviously.

“don’t be sorry man… I get like that,” jimmy just laughed, squeezing lyn-z’s hand tighter… making Gerard cringe carefully.

“yea… well, sorry anyways… I need to go to the men’s,” his chair made a crunching, pushing noise as he got up.

“what about ordering lunch?” lyn-z looked at him, her hair in pig tails this time.

“well… can you just order me a coffee… and, that’ll do me,” lyn-z just smiled and nodded as gee walked off to the bathroom.

You should just go home… don’t put yourself threw this… you don’t deserve it, and neither do they. You’re just making them as miserable as you are.

His face was as white as white could get as he looked into the bathroom mirror. His hair fell slightly to the side, covering the bit of his forehead… it didn’t look too bad but it annoyed him.

yeaaa... so here... lol, nothing to say.... enjoy... (it's shit... LOL)

Everyone was there already, even mikey and Alicia… seeing as they live closer might’ve been a bonus but gee thought they might’ve stayed and talked more. there probably wasn’t enough time for talking in their makeup session… ew, stop thinking that, that’s grosse. Gerard smiled and shook his head slightly as he made himself stop thinking about Alicia and mikey having a makeup session after he had left their apartment.

“hey dudes, what took ya’s?” ray looked up from Kayla's face to Gerard and kat.

“gee took awhile, that’s all,” kat looked at gee and smiled, not a nice and comfy smile… more like a ‘you better not say nothin’ smile.

“oh… well we ordered for ya, cause they came onto us so quickly,” gee just laughed as frank held jamia’s hand on the table.

Kat and Gerard sat at the table that held all of everyone. His eyes scammed the table and landed on jimmy and lyn-z. There she was… the one who had been on his mind for a long time now.

She looks amazing, just look at her… so beautiful, so beautiful. He didn’t realise he was staring until lyn-z spoke.

“are you ok Gerard?” his eyes snapped away but then looked at her again, he let out a small laugh.

“sorry, I got the stares something shocking, how are you guys anyways?” lyn-z just looked at jimmy and smiled.

“we’re great, never better…” gee just smiled, the biggest, most fattest fake smile you could get… it was convincing though, he had learnt over time how to do them.

“Gerard, you could’ve worn something… nicer,” gee’s eyes shot over to bob who was with linda.

“shut up bob, I was tired,” Gerard could feel the burn from kat’s eyes beside him, and he didn’t like it.

“he still looks good… don’t ya reckon kat?” jamia’s voice whispered next to frank.

“I told him to change, but he didn’t… but I guess, yea,” gee just closed his eyes and sighed before leaning in near kat.

“can we not do this here? Let’s just… act as if though I am dressed fuckin perfectly, please?” kat just looked at him as he whispered in her ear.

“ok, what ever,” her voice whispered back into his face… but it was bitter, very bitter.

“isn’t that sweet, god damn it frank… whisper sweet things into my ear,” frank just looked at jamia before laughing.

“hell no… I don’t know if you’ve cleaned your ears or not,” everyone sniggered as frank spoke back to jamia laughing.

“jesus christ frank… stop bein an ass,” frank just laughed as she slapped him on the arm.

“so how are you and Alicia?” Gerard spoke softly to mikey who was beside him.

“everything’s fine, we… we worked it out,” mikey had a smirk on his face that wouldn’t disappear if you smacked him down.

“ok that’s fuckin grosse man, I don’t need to hear that shit,” Gerard just smiled and shook his head laughing slightly.

“you fuckin asked dude… but nah, we’re good… I think,” mikey just gave an irresolute look.

“oh dear you are a dick… nah you’s will be fine, don’t worry about it ‘ey,” mikey just nodded before turning away to a nagging bob on his other shoulder.

Gerard listened into the conversations around the table for a bit before turning his attention discreetly to lyn-z. she was chatting away with jamia and frank. God she’s fucking beautiful…so beautiful. His eyes skimmed over her black hair that was up in a pony tail, with the fringe hanging down framing her face. Her eyes were shadowed in dark brown makeup followed by red lips that looked absolutely voluptuous. His eyes couldn’t tare away from her, her pale fragile skin was captivating in itself alone. Everything else was just a bonus to look at, and it kept him trapped.

Stop looking gee… she’s gonna catch you… then what are you gonna do? Or say? Finally he closed his eyes and looked away. Everyone was still in their own little bubbles of words. The only one who wasn’t was him, and he didn’t mind. It was interesting to see what they all spoke about.

Finally the dinner was over, everyone went back to their apartments with quick goodbyes. There was no use in saying long goodbyes, as they were all to see each other within a few days… at most.

“I’m gonna have a shower… you comin in?” kat’s bag fell onto the counter with a quiet crack against the marble.

“nah… I’m just gonna chill here for awhile, is that ok?” gee looked up from the couch where he had just sat himself.

“yea that’s fine…” she gave a quick nice smile… a warm one… and walked off.

Don’t be so fuckin mean to her gee, you still ‘love’ her in some way, you are still her partner… don’t treat her like this, you wouldn’t treat lyn-z like this. his thoughts fought back and forth until they finally decided on joining her in the shower… he didn’t want to act this way towards kat, but he couldn’t help it sometimes.

He opened the door carefully, he didn’t want her to know he was there. Steam immediately engulfed his figure as he stepped inside. His shirt peeled away from his chest, as did his pants and other components of clothing. Soon enough he was stepping into the shower with kat.

“holy fuck me Gerard, you scared… the shit outta me, fuck,” kat just smiled as her hand rested just above her left breast.

“sorry babe, I changed my mind…” a small smirk formed in his lips.

“it’s ok… I’m glad you did,” kat leaned in for a kiss, which was planted into his lips, then mouth.

wow, i haven't been on here in MONTHS.... i wonder if anyone will read this, it's just a story i have been writing.... so if ya do read, tell me what ya think... i still love all the people on here!!!!

Can a person really dream a dream? Can someone really make dreams come true?

This thought kept running through gerard’s mind. The one person he truly loved belonged to someone else. He knew he couldn’t have her… he knew it would never happen… but is that really what he knew? Or was he making himself believe that? The only person who knew that answer was himself… and it would take a little while before he realised.

He couldn’t stop thinking about her. No matter how much he wanted too. She was on his mind when he was singing, when he was sleeping… even when he was doing personal things such as showering or using the toilet… sometimes during even more personal things.

“Gerard, can you please open the door,” his eyes moved swiftly towards the bathroom door where the knob moved slightly as she tried to open the door.

“I’ll be a little longer,” his voice was shaky as he tried to answer back.

“well, hurry up ok… we gotta get ready,” the swift roll of the eyes was his reply to her, not that she could see.

Gotta get ready, what if I don’t wanna get fuckin ready? How about that… you never asked me if I wanted too go to this stupid dinner. His thoughts were running mad in his mind, making him more and more frustrated. Who would want to even go to this stupid dinner… all it is was friends getting together… and she was going to be there, I cant go if she’s there.

The cool water splashed onto his face from the sink. It was refreshing and cooled him down a little, but still not enough.

“god damn it Gerard, open the fucking door and hurry up!” the water on his face seemed to steam as he gritted his teeth in anger.

“ok… I’m done, I’m done,” he opened the door quickly and stormed past kat.

“you’re wearing that?” her face was blank but he could tell she was not being sarcastic or anything along those lines.

“yes I am ok, don’t complain because I am not changing,” the face was stern and hers even sterner.

“fine, just go, I don’t want to see you right now,” she disappeared behind the bathroom door which slammed in his face.

Jesus fuck me christ, can I do anything right around her? His thoughts began to race back to the time where things were happy. It was a long time ago, but there was such a time in this relationship.

His thoughts were snapped and destroyed by the vibration of his cell in his pocket. He swore under his breath as he fumbled for his phone. The screen name read mikey. Just the person he needed to speak too… seriously.

“mikey, I’m glad you rang,” his voice was hushed and yet still angry.

“gee, I need to speak to you,” now mikey’s voice was shaky and made Gerard stop pacing around the room.

“mikey, what’s up?” a crease formed across his forehead.

“me and Alicia… we just had a fight and, she told me to leave… gee, what do I do? Does she want me to actually leave?” a soft sigh of worry escaped his mouth.

“ok, listen… just talk to her ok, she doesn’t mean it… she’s never meant it has she?” he could tell mikey was upset due to the breathing heavily into the phone on the other end.

“no… but I’m just scared Gerard, can you come around?”

“ok ok, just calm down… I’ll be there shortly… just, try and stay calm, I don’t want you having any attacks on me ok,”

“ok… ok, thanks gee,”

a click then dial tone followed in the receiver. His teeth bit into his bottom lip as he turned around to go tell kat he was going over to his brothers. Fuck it, she can just have a note… he stopped at the door before thinking if he actually should tell her in person, but he knew she would probably crack the shit before asking if he could still make it for the dinner.

All the note said was, kat, gone to mikey’s… might not make it to dinner, sorry… G xo.

It took him less then 10 minutes to get to mikey and alicia’s apartment. The elevator was ‘down’ for some reason so the stairs seemed to go on for miles and miles as Gerard climbed them, soon becoming puffed and exhausted. The door to their apartment was slightly ajar, obviously either Alicia left and mikey hadn’t bothered closing it, or he had left it open for him. Either way it made Gerard a little happier, knowing he wouldn’t have to wait for mikey to hear him knocking on the door for about 5 minutes.

“mikey?!” his voice was in a soft yell, looking around the lounge area.

“in here,” a voice called from the kitchen.

Gerard’s feet pulled him into the kitchen where mikey was slumped on the floor, coffee in one hand a smoke in the other.

“what the fuck you doing smoking mikey?” he pulled the cig from mikey’s hand and pushed it down the sink before sliding down next to his brother.

“gee I think she’s gone for good, it’s been 3 hours since she left, what am I meant to do?” mikey lifted his face to Gerard, his eyes red and swollen from crying.

“mikey, listen… she just needs some time, what was this fight about?” gerard’s hand fell on mikey’s knee, mikey’s head again fell onto his chest.

“it was stupid, it was nothing at first… then I got up her for going out all the time with her friends when ever we have a break, and she said she’s sick of me being away from home for so long, and it all blew up gee, I fucked up… I fucked up,” he sniffed as he spoke, making Gerard close his eyes and take a few breaths before answering his brother in a very monotone voice.

“it will be ok, I will wait with you… and I bet you she will come back,” once again mikey’s face lifted up to gerard’s, this time a small smile was planted firmly on his face.

“thanks bro… I mean it, you’re always here when I need ya,” a quick hug was exchanged before the two of them migrated to the lounge.

“mind if I smoke in here?” mikey looked at gee and shrugged his shoulders.

Usually he would’ve smoked outside, but it was too much effort. And by the looks of it, it was about to rain… heavy.

Mikey watched as his brother lit a cig and drew in the cancerous smoke. It disgusted him, but he couldn’t talk, seeing as an hour ago he was the one smoking down the sticks.

“how long do we have to wait, gee I’m starting to worry,” mikey fiddled with his fingers in his lap as he looked around, looking for any sign of Alicia.

“give her time man, seriously… just think about being in her shoes…” a cloud of smoke blew from his lips in front of him, making his vision of mikey disappear for a second or two.

“ok, but I really want to ring her,” gee shook his head swiftly.

“no, I told you… that will piss her off, you should know from last time man,” mikey sighed and slid down into the couch more, just about falling off it. “you look really different without your glasses hey, I like it… but I miss the old mikey,”

“ha… yea it feels different, I keep going to push these invisible glasses up on my nose, it annoys the hell outta me,” gee just laughed as a click from the door made both of them turn in their chairs, almost giving gee whiplash.

“hey gee, ummm, can I speak to mikey for a minute?” Alicia stood in the lounge, her hair wet.

“no worries… is it raining out?” a quick nod from Alicia gave him his answer. “I’ll head off anyways, gotta get back to kat… and well, if I see you at this dinner… I’ll see you then I guess,”

they each said their quick goodbyes before Gerard scurried out, before any yelling or making up could be done in front of him. His cig fell to the floor outside the apartment building. Rain fell steadily onto the pavement, splashing back up and hitting gerard’s shoes.

The walk home was a lot more depressing then he thought it would be. The rain he loved, but the street was dead. Not even any hookers on the corners with their PIMP’s to sell them away. That kinda stuff annoyed Gerard, but he felt so lonely walking the streets. It was only around 6pm but it was dark out, like it was early early morning.

Finally his apartment came into view. A light was on in the window, meaning kat hadn’t left for the dinner yet. Shit, was the first word that popped into his mind. He was dreading opening the door, but it had to be done, he couldn’t ignore that fact.

“GEE!” he closed his eyes and put on a big fake smile as he walked into the lounge.

“hey babe, I’m back,” kat stood there, wearing jeans and a white shirt that came low exposing herself a little.

“where have you been?” her foot tapped the wooden floor, making an echo sound.

“it said on the note darling, I was at mikey’s,”

“don’t darling me… it would’ve been nice if you came and told me, I could’ve come,” his mind was racing, trying to find a reply to her statement.

“well, you were busy… and it was personal, but everything is ok… so can we just go to this damn dinner already?” kat just huffed and nodded, grabbing her bag and keys.

The car drive to the restaurant was dead quiet. The only noise to be heard was that of the rain drops hitting hard on the roof of the car. It calmed Gerard though, thank god for rain… thank god for the fucking rain was the thought that played over and over in his head until the car stopped at a fancy looking building.

“we’re here gee, come on…” kat looked at him and smiled, she leaned in for a kiss… in which he replied with in the same manner as he always did, kissed her back.

yea

it's true

well the pictures say so

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i308/jess_ere/marriage1.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i308/jess_ere/gerardandlynzMARRIED2.jpg

http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i308/jess_ere/marriage2.jpg

it's his life

we can't judge

good on him i say

if he truely loves her....

go for it

http://s75.photobucket.com/albums/i308/jess_ere/?action=view&current=awwgeeandlynz.jpg

i think im gettin allergic to my fuckin cat! anywho....TEGAN....RING ME TONIGHT.....I WANNA TELL YOU ALL ABOUT TALKING TO "HIM" AND THAT I JUST MIGHT BE GETTING HIS MSN! SO RING BITCH.....RING!

TEGS POV:

“do you think they’re…like you know?” I pulled a fucking face and rocked my hips back and forward, making everyone burst out laughing.

“most likely…” I grunted and shook my head.

“dirty pigs…seriously,”

“hey, leave them alone…they haven’t been very close lately…so, ya know…let them have their makeup time,” I looked at bob and frowned.

“that’s not what you say when we haven’t been intimate…”

“that’s because there is hardly a time when we haven’t been…” everyone sniggered.

“shut up…asshole, jesus…” I rolled my eyes while trying not to smile, which was hard.

“so…well…we’re gonna go to bed,” ari got up and waited for gee to get up too, but his face was a little surprised.

“we are?” she opened her eyes and just stared at him, “oh yea…we are…night guys,” I couldn’t help but laugh as they scurried off to the bedroom.

“well…how bouts we…watch some tv or something?” I looked at jade and shrugged.

“I don’t feel like watching tv…im gonna go for a walk, coming bobo?” I looked at him and smiled.

“sure thing…see ya later guys,”

the air whipped me in the face as I stepped down onto the hard road. It was a surprise for it to be chilly. The wind had a bitterness to it that it normally only had near Christmas. Maybe even the wind felt something…like something bad was going to happen soon.

I frowned as I thought about it, feeling bobs arms hug into my back, his hands sneaking their way into my pant pockets. I couldn’t concentrate on him slightly pinching my ass. I could only think of the wind. For some strange reason. For the past few days I’ve had a gut feeling like something’s going to happen. I don’t know if it’s good or bad but it definitely doesn’t feel good. And I don’t know if its gonna be soon or not…and that’s what im worried about.

“tegan…babe, what ya thinking about?” his voice brought me back to earth…the darkness around me sucking me in, only the light from the poles kept me from falling onto my knees.

“nothing…just, I don’t know…fresh air is making my head spin,” I smiled and kept my eyes on the road in front of me, making sure I wouldn’t fall.

“ha, fresh air does that once you’ve been around us for too long…but seriously, what ya thinking?” I shrugged my shoulders, lifting his arm up with it.

“I don’t know…something just doesn’t feel right I guess,” he stopped pulling me back with him.

“about us?” I smiled and shook my head.

“everything feels right about us…I don’t know what it is, but…I don’t know, maybe im just going crazy,” his grip around me tightened.

“your not going crazy…maybe your just due,” I scoffed and laughed.

“no im not…thankyou, jesus, that’s your answer to everything….you must be due,” I put on a deep voice as we both started walking again.

The rest of the walk was silent. Only the steps of our feet hitting the road could be heard. And if you listened hard enough you could even hear bob’s heart beat…only faintly though.

By the time we got back which was pretty late everyone was in bed. I felt like doing the same. The baby was kicking the shit out of me and all I felt like doing was sleeping so I could drown out the pain. But good ol’ bob didn’t want to go to bed. He wanted to just talk and spend time with me.

“but babe, I am really tired and this kid of yours is really hurting meee,” he pulled a sad face before sighing.

“fine…go to bed, don’t spend time with your one and only…not like he cares,”

“don’t pull that guilt shit on me, just come to bed…keep me and the baby warm,”

I got up and walked into the bunks, sliding under the blankets of our bed. Not long after I felt the warmth of a body hugging into me gently. It made me smile. I loved it how he always hugged me as we went to bed, I just thought it was really sweet.

i am really happy because im speaking to someone who...is...like....WOW! tegan knows who...well she should. but im like....HYPER happy. he's such a dirty bastard too...just like we ALL thought. hahaha

JESS’S POV:

As ari walked out I let the warm water run down my back and spill over onto my long legs, running down them like they were silk. My breath started to quicken as the minutes went by. I hope frank would understand…I mean what if he didn’t? then this would be kind of awkward.

Finally after about 5 minutes the door opened. I didn’t know who it was so I just stood in the shower, trying to see through the shower curtain…pretty stupid really seeing as it was not see through.

“babe…ari just told me what and how your feeling…and im so sorry, I love you so much, im sorry I haven’t told you every day, im sorry I don’t hold you anymore…im sorry I don’t kiss or touch you in the way I use to,” I smiled as my heart felt like it was fluttering in my throat.

“its ok…just get in this shower and prove it to me,” I heard him laugh.

“already ahead of ya babe,” and at that the curtain opened and there he was, this was the man I loved.

Even though he was naked…which mind you there is nothing wrong there…but the look in his eyes towards me, as he looked over my body. Locking in everything, every bump, every crease…everything that was on my body in front of him.

His hands caressed my sides before sliding onto my back. I let my head rest into the curve of his neck. Even if I had to bend a little, it was the most intimacy we’ve had in a long time. I felt his lips carefully brushing against my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. My hands ran over his shoulders and down his back with pressure, my finger tips sinking into his skin.

“I love you jess…I really do,” I let my eyes close as the words spread over my body, sinking in every now and then, making me feel the warmth of his body, the beat of his heart and the breath from his mouth against my wet body.

“I love you too frank…” I felt a cold tingle spread over my body as the words slipped from my mouth into his ear.

It was like I was saying I loved him for the first time again. It was like…I was feeling love for the first time. His lips against my skin felt like a new pair of lips, it felt like a drug that I had been missing out on. I knew that from now on I’ll be addicted to those lips…even more so than before. Because they have more meaning to them now…they have a pulse of their own.

i got the circus song in my head....i cant get it OUT! hahaha,....anywho...here ya go my pretties

ARI’S POV:

“jess…babe, open up…its me,” I knocked on the door softly…I didn’t want to piss her off anymore.

“fuck…off…please,” I could tell she was crying, I hated it when her or tegs got like this…stupid pregnancy shit.

“jess…please?” I heard a sniffle then the door unlock.

I opened it and walked in before closing and locking it again. I looked down at her. She was sitting on the ground, legs sprawled out in front of her, her hands on her stomach and her mascara running down onto her chin. I hated seeing a friend upset, it really hurt.

“babe…it’s ok…your just near your due date…its ok for you to be angry,”

“i…I just want this fucking thing out already…I mean…8 fucking months is a long time…I don’t know how mom did it…fucking bitch,” she laughed as another tear fell down onto her cheek…soon to be wiped up by her slightly already wet hand.

“I know…blame the mothers…its all their fault…actually NO! it’s the guys fault…blame frank…he’s the one who’s little worms got ya pregnant,” she laughed again before pulling some tissues from the counter into her hands.

“I don’t know…sometimes I think this is a good thing…and other times it feels like a fucking curse…being pregnant…don’t ever do it…just adopt, take my advice,” she sounded really nasily which just made me smile even more.

“I’ll keep that in mind…now hows about you take a shower and go to bed…did you want anything to eat?” she shook her head before reaching a hand out for me to grab.

“pull bitch…pull,” we both started laughing as I heaved her up.

“ok…well I’ll be out here ok?” I went to walk to the door when I heard jess starting to speak again.

“ari…can you…can you stay in here and just talk to me? Frank…he doesn’t really shower with me anymore…I, I miss it,” I closed my eyes and smiled, turning back around.

“of course babe, but I aint getting in the shower…” she laughed before pulling a sad face, making me laugh.

“nah, I just need…someone to talk to…” I nodded and sat on the sink.

I watched jess get undressed. It isn’t the first time ive seen her naked. I just love her belly. Its soo big…and round. You just want to poke it all day, well I do. The shower started to run as she stepped into it. I sighed and leaned back against the cool mirror. It sunk into my clothes and soon enough I could feel the cold on my back as if someone had rubbed an ice cub along it.

“does frank still love me?” I was taken back by her question.

“jess…i…of course he does, why…what makes you ask that?” I looked in the mirror and noticed I was frowning…but with a question like that, fuckin who wouldn’t be?

“like I said…he doesn’t really shower with me anymore…where as before he would want me to shower every few hours with him…I just feel he doesn’t find me attractive with my stomach being like this,” I heard a sniff come from behind the shower curtain…hearing her say that even made my eyes water.

“babe, he loves you so much, he’s probably just getting use to the fact he’s gonna be a dad, I mean that’s a big thing jess…where as you…you have the fucker in you, its different for him,”

“but wouldn’t that make it harder for me? Seeing as I have to care for it for 9 months…”

“you don’t know that…like if its harder, maybe he wants to feel that connection…and not to be rude…but you have been really bitchy the past few weeks…even months, maybe he feels your pushing him away,” I let my head hit the mirror lightly as I realised what I said was pretty fucking bitchy.

“but I don’t mean to be…I…I just cant help it…I mean, there is no on and off button for it, it’s a fucking pain in the ass…I want him here with me now ariii….i want him to hold me like he use too…I want to feel his touch, his warmth, his love and his breath against my body…against my skin, I miss it soo much,” I wiped my eyes as tears dared to drop onto my pale cheek.

“you stay here babe…I’ll go get him,”

I didn’t let her have a chance to answer. I opened and closed the door so quickly I almost fell over. The guys all looked at me as I walked out. Being them they were watching tv…some shit ass show was on. I walked up to frank and beckoned him over to the hall. He was a bit reluctant but came…eventually.

“whats up?” he looked a little worried.

“its jess…its nothing bad…well, it is but not scary bad…frank…” he looked at me, his hair falling over one eye, his teeth just showing as he bit his lip, “you need to go to jess…tell her you love her…touch her…feel her…make her feel loved…make her feel like she use to feel…other wise, I just don’t think it will work…” his face had changed from worried into fucking petrified.

“wont work? Why….i fucking love her to bits…” I smiled with a frown.

“she doesn’t feel it…she thinks you don’t love her anymore, or think she’s beautiful anymore because she’s pregnant,” his eyes shot open and his mouth dropped.

“what…are you kidding? I think it makes her more beautiful…having my baby inside of her just…it makes me love her more if anything…to have the courage to carry it…im gonna go…is she in the shower?” I nodded as he walked off, and hopefully that will be the end of that little drama.

haha i almost put the death of gimp...lol....dont ask. haha...i really should change the title....eh cant be fucked. umm, ha im already sick of this story....so it might go by a little quicker. lol. anyway....a double post....so another after this....obviously...hahaha, enjoy.

“what are we having for TEA!” I smiled to myself as jess complained down the hall to frank.

“I don’t fucking know…go ask them…jesus christ,” I heard the footsteps of a cranky woman walking down towards us…this should be interesting.

“right…can someone…please, tell me what the fuck are we having for tea, im fucking hungry and there is nothing in this fucking bus!” I swear she should have been fizzing from the sides of the mouth…or at least have horns on her head.

“jess…calm the fuck down, we’ll just go out,” I smiled as ari tried to calm her down.

“NO! don’t tell me to calm down…im SICK of people telling me to calm down, if I wanted to fucking calm down id do it MYSELF!” everyone by now had stopped what they were doing and were staring at jess.

“look…we’ll just order pizza in…” frank walked in from behind her and hugged her.

“I don’t fucking want pizza…jesus christ…does any one fucking listen to me?”

“babe…we are listening…you need to calm do-”

“I swear to fucking god the next fucking person to tell me to calm down is gonna be on the ground in fucking pain,” by now her eyes were starting to water, which was kind of scary and sad.

“ok…what do you want for tea?” tegs stood up and walked over to jess, placing her hands on her shoulders.

“screw it…I don’t fucking want dinner…fuck all of you cunts…seriously,”

as jess walked off everyone waited and listened for the door to slam. As it did it made a few of us jump, a few of us smile…one of them being me…I found it amusing.

“she’s gonna put herself into an early labour…I swear,” frank leaned against the wall rubbing his head.

“she’ll be fine…just…getting frustrated,”

“duh…you think?” I had to snigger as bob pointed out the obvious.

“just go in and comfort her frank…for fuck sake,” I looked at ari and rested my head on her shoulder.

“I aint fucking goin in there…I aint that stupid,”

“jesus fucking christ you chicken shit…she’s your fucking girl…I’ll go in,” I felt the pressure of her hand push herself up as she walked towards the bathroom where jess had locked herself in.

“well….that was interesting…to say the least,” the guys all laughed…where as the girls rolled their eyes and just started talking to each other.